I feel like you dictate the bullshit in my life even when you aren't there. I haven't got much freedom to move where I like and I blame that on you, you who won't get back to me, you who fucks things up even when you aren't there, which you never are. Things are always on your terms, so I can never make a clean break, because you aren't around to give me that opportunity. I hate you, and I never loved you, so this is an unusual set of emotions for me. I wouldn't even care about you so much if you weren't such a roadblock to me. I don't know what I'll do when I see you again. Probably run the fuck away.

I've decided to try and poke some life back into this fanfiction I started, oh, three years ago (nearly exactly- I remember filling out a page on the Fourth of July). It was kind of cool but I lost faith in the idea behind the whole damn thing (that Harry was abusive, ooh snap), but I kind of want to revive it. I mean, to hell with taste. It's more annoying that it isn't finished.

So over the next few days it is likely that I'm going to try and frankenstein bits and pieces of the old thing to new parts... And I will probably post them. :O

"Things you have learnt from reading too much Khaos"

1) The way to tell if you are gay is by looking at a mans bum. No other body part is acceptable.

2) It's always the quiet ones.

3) The loud ones should be looked out for too.

Miracle of miracles, my phone was found!! Totally writing Ms. Oaks, our principle, a huge thank-you letter for bringing it back to the school. Now, it'll take a few days to get the phone back in service, since we canceled it in case it was stolen. Woo...

I'm feeling oddly pansexual today. Like both inside myself and toward other people. Ever had that feeling? I've picked out a couple of innocent-looking boys at my school I'd like to fool around with, too, as deplorable as that sounds. Life is odd. Also, girl scout camp training tonight. Should be fun. xD

So, prom turned out to be a lot more fun than I anticipated. Hanging out with Mae and Jared wasn't very awkward at all, and we rocked out to some pretty awful music on the ride there (ie Katy Perry). The Gift Center was beautiful, with a lovely lower level and three levels of balconies above. There were gigantic balloons floating from the ceiling and a surprisingly good DJ. Ooh, and the bar had shirley temples and smoothies. =P It was all super fun, and we went to Denny's afterward to celebrate. I have never seen so many people under the age of 65 there before. Apparently it's a typical post-prom destination.
The fun was muddled with suckness, though; turns out I left my phone at coat-check somehow. My iPod and all of my money were still in my bag after, so I figured the phone hadn't been stolen; still, it feels really horrible to be without phone. I expect we'll either find the phone later this week (okay, it's doubtful, but someone at the school may have picked it up), or I'll get a new model. I'm going to need people's numbers regardless, in case I have to call using somebody else's phone. Anyway, if any of you have tried to reach me and have thus far failed, this is why...

The photo gallery to my pictures for/from prom:

http://pics.livejournal.com/spifelicious/gallery/00008423

Note: The gallery will be updated further after May 9, 2009, when prom officially takes place. C=

Some pictures that I recently uploaded from my phone:

http://pics.livejournal.com/spifelicious/gallery/00006hs1

Also some older ones, from glass class:

http://pics.livejournal.com/spifelicious/gallery/000070s2

Enjoy!

Life is pretty amazing. Several nights ago, I was unsure whether I would stay or go. But I made a simple discovery- two, actually- that her mouth lilts up in a half-smile when she talks, and that she doesn't know whether her eyes are green, blue, or grey, either- and it sort of changed my mind. It told me to hang in, because this woman has a lot more to show me. We have only just begun.

Today I decided to make some bread. It is time-consuming, but not particularly difficult, and truth be told, I like things to consume my time. Simple things. I'm also working on a facial cleanser, because I've decided that paying ten dollars for something I can make easily is ridiculous. It's currently cooling, and the bread is rising.

I've been thinking more and more about ayurvedic healing, and how I want to incorporate it into my life. When I think about my future now, I imagine a tiny little cottage up on a hill, with cats and chooks and maybe a small family. My desired profession- 'witch'. It makes sense. I want to be self-sufficient in as many ways as possible, making my own food and medicine from the herbs in the garden, healing those around me. I want to be a teacher, probably of dance or english or history.

The less complicated a future is by big goals, and more filled with small, daily tasks- the things people have done without for the past few decades, like washing things by hand or cooking things from scratch. I'd like that. I was describing to Megan yesterday the basic difference between friendships and relationships as I see them- beside the obvious physical differences- was just how every moment seems to matter more in a relationship.

This is my list for Mission 101: 101 Things in 1001 Days, starting January 1, 2009.

My List:
( Here We Are )

Why is it, when I start to write again, I try and make up for lost time? And just... write on and on and on. Haha.

Today was pretty nice. We did a lot of walking, around, and around, and around, first looking for green tea [which we found relatively quickly], then shoes for Suzanne [she had unwisely worn heels, and was getting blisters], and then dinner [first we looked around for Crepes-A-Go-Go, which apparently has not moved to its new location just yet, and then we got tables at Pyramid Ale but decided it was too expensive, and so finally we ate at California Pizza Kitchen]. Madness!

I'm thinking about attempting fiction again. Wouldn't that be just a grand idea? I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, though... I talked to Suzanne and Danielle about it earlier, and all they said was 'just write'. Will that work? It's kind of what I'm doing now [if I didn't babble as my dominant form of communication usually, you might have noticed that I am babbling right now].

Well, let's see how it goes.

The dew had formed glistening droplets at the tips of leaves on plants, the sun glinting lightly in it. Exorcism? Even the priest died!

Okay, this isn't going to work while I am watching Buffy. Give me a minute here. xDD

Woo! Stole from Quin. =3


01. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
I kissed a boy, got a 'D' in a class (though it became a C before report cards... thank goodness...), was a Returning IG, did not go trick-or-treating (=O), brought Suzanne and Megan to a Movie Night, helped to plan GSA meetings, became heavily involved in an election, turned seventeen, umm...

02. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'm not sure if I made any. I probably will, either to give up sugar or dairy... and will most likely break them. =3

03. Did someone close to you give birth?
'Close', ie my aunt, but not 'close' as in distance (she lives in Tennessee).

04. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

05. What countries did you visit?
I try and maintain that I am only 'visiting' the United States at the moment.

06. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Confidence, purpose, a job... Healthy relationships??

07. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 12, prom/break-up night (baaahhh), for some reasons Auliah's birthday party (September 22 I think), about the same time my dad lost his job.

08. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Not really sure. Several successful scout tours (they're always nice).

09. What was/is your biggest failure(s)?
Being too hard on myself, making bad decisions (Kris much???), not thinking things through properly.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got sick a lot, no injuries that I can remember, though...

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I'm not really sure. Oh, my bottle necklace, I like that a lot.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Hmm... Alexis has been very good at controlling her temper this year, and all-together more fun to be around. Suzanne's been a good, sensible friend (which is always quite necessary). My mom, for holding it together despite everything.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Ehh... Kris... that one ex-boyfriend of Quin's... Danny... Me, distressingly frequently.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Notebooks, again, and starbucks. Oy.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Various art projects/stories and my second gov paper, oddly enough... Oh, and my dance performances last June. =]

17. Compared to this time last year, are you

i. happier or sadder? A little sadder, I think. But it may be the PMS.
ii. thinner or fatter? Not really sure, but I'd say thinner. By a little bit.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer? Mainly because of my dad...

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
More writing, oh my god. Definitely that. And serious job-hunting.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Leaving Quin's answer here- Giving things second chances when I should have just let them die off *cough* and maybe eating sugar. I eat a lot of sugary things. And worrying, of course.

20. How will you be spending or have spent Christmas?
I was at home with Mom, Jake, and dad, watching kiki's delivery service and the like.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I don't think so. But I had a few 'love' moments.

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Kind of. I feel more hatred in general this year than the last.

26. What was the best book you read?
Possibly Empress of the World or The Realm of Possibility, both within the same week. But I did a lot of re-reading of earlier books this year.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Haha, I would say the entire Juno soundtrack, for sure. But otherwise, I love the music my friends send me (Megan's Tegan and Sara and Kaki King are very good).

28. What did you want and get?
I got a sewing machine and several useful things (chap stick, a winter coat, and gloves), nice necklaces throughout the year, notebooks... haha, I am a sucker for notebooks. I also got a plethora of iTunes and Starbucks gift cards, which are also very useful. I wish I had become more emotionally mature, though. Some days I think I am, but others... -shakes head-

29. What did you want and not get?
Art/art books, urban outfitters stuff (yes I know it is expensive), burt's bees facial stuff, again, emotional maturity.

30. Favorite film of this year?
I'm going to say 'Idle Hands', just for the lolz of it. And because it had Seth Green. xDD

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
As it was a Wednesday, I had school, and then went out shopping with my mom, and bought a lovely number of blue-and-yellow clothing items (don't know if we planned it that way), ran into kris with a friend (which kind of made the night a bit awkward and spoiled), had dinner at home, but ate at Pasta Pomodora that Friday instead, and then had a respectable party.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Probably some sense of purpose/belonging. This was a very vague and indirected year.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Lots of layering. Hippie-esque accessories- more flowy, less stripey. xD

34. What kept you sane?
Quinnnnn. And reading and various other friends... though they caused the trouble sometimes. Oh! And long walks. They helped a lotttt.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Umm. Let's go with Alyson Hannigan. =)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Prop 8.

37. Who do you miss?
Dependable friends at school, mainly. They've been very 'fair-weathered' this year.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Amelia and Grace!! I sort of just met them last night, but they're great people. =)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
I really need space to make decisions.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
'Hey lloyd, I'm ready to be heartbroken, cos I can't see farther than my own nose at this moment...'

I'm leaving out the last bit because I need to go shower and get ready to do things. xD

I figured it was time to post something again, as I have been silent for (according to livejournal) 18 months. Yikes.

Today is a Tuesday, which happens to be the day of the week I was born, but unfortunately there's little interesting about it apart from that. Nothing exciting happens on Tuesdays, does it? Naturally, I want to change that.

I've made up my mind to have an adventure today. I told megan that I was planning an adventure for us for tomorrow, but I'm not sure if i want to follow through with that. I think we both need space. We work well together, but recently things have gotten a little strange, and while I do care about her, I think we just need to take a break.

So I'm going to have an adventure today. With whomever decides to come along, of course. Right now it's possibly Suzanne and Danielle, and I've been looking at Cheap Date Ideas for inspiration ('date ideas' can always be adapted to work for friends). I just want to remember a Tuesday for a change!!

If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them. I think the first and foremost thing we must do is dress up oddly. That always helps to set the mood for such an occasion. I may invite Lexie along, too... She's good for odd dressing-up occasions.

Anyways, I will update here later today informing y'all of what sort of ungodly shenanigans we have gotten ourselves into. I am excited, too. =3

God, how I wish I could cut off my emotions, somehow. I want to break this self-loathing bond I have to you but no matter what I do, it won't /go away/. Don't you see that I want to be free, that I want to have a life of my own? Of course I still want you in it, but this feeling... I know you don't want it either so I can't blame you for anything at all, I just do because it's easier. It's been like this for years, hasn't it, any time I get emotionally vulnerable I split. It made no difference before, or in the middle, or after- I always found a reason to break down, didn't I? And oh god, I don't want to be like Danny, who is so emotionally immature that he cuts off contact with you and talks behind your back just to get through his days. But, even so, I can't help but relate with him in some ways.

I need release. I gotta be free. I don't know how or when, but I do know why, and so do you. Only then can I really be the friend to you that you want. Right?

This is such a strange feeling...

After being in a relationship for almost a year, to move on like this... It feels strangely refreshing. Scary, yes, but sort of like embarking on... Something new, a journey. I'm so ridiculously cliché when it comes to writing things like this. xD

I cried, yes, I cried for quite a bit... But we both understood that it was time, and there was no spark to reignite. I think I'm okay now.

It just kind of sucks breaking up with someone the day after prom. xD But somehow, I think I knew that when I kissed her last night, it would be the last time.

Leo stayed close to the bookshelf, removing novels and replacing them at what looked like random. He had a nasty habit of deciding what to read based on the cover art and titles of a book, and even the feel of its spine in his hand- superficial reasons, naturally. He didn't hide this, of course. There was no need to.
When he'd accumulated a pleasant little stack of stories, he headed back to his bench, to round off the rest of lunch reading. Oftentimes he would head over to the band room near the end of lunch instead, that was usually where he did his eating, but today it was cold and raining and he felt quite like staying in here for the time being. Besides, it was an even block schedule day, which meant he T.A.'d here the next period. It was only natural that he would stay and enjoy the quiet.
Leo paused to glance out of the window, placing his arms complacently on top of the highest level of the shelf and looking out across the grounds. The sky was dark and rain was splattering pleasantly against the glass, and he could just barely make out the shapes of green hills beyond the school. He smiled, feeling satisfied and overwhelmingly comforted to be inside, and then finished his walk back to the bench.
He liked his small space in the library a good deal. It was tucked away into a corner, the light-yellow wooden bench facing out toward the grounds, the shelves ending a few feet from the window, so it was a better view. There were shelves of books behind him and to the sides here, and it was nearly always empty. It wasn't today, however.
Leo had begun to unload his stack of books onto the bench when a voice from a short distance away startled him with a friendly, "hello, there."
"Oi, I'm sorry- I hadn't realized anyone was sitting here-" responded Leo, flustered, as his eyes locked on the blonde figure seated at the left corner of the bench.
"'Iss quite alright," replied the boy, chuckling slightly, "I'll move if you like. I don't mind being shoved offa here at all."
"No- no, it's fine, stay if you like," said Leo quietly, beginning to calm down, "I'm just so used to it being empty here, is all."
The boy nodded, and scooted farther into the corner, so as to give Leo as much space as he liked, all the while muttering a faint 'sorry'.
Leo cocked his head to one side, wondering whether he should ease the boy's worry, but decided simply to open one of his books, start reading. He sat upon the bench, cross-legged as he was accustomed to, and opened a book at random. After a few moments of reading the same opening line a dozen times, however, he gave up the attempt as futile.
"A-aren't you at all cold?" asked Leo, glancing up at the other boy, "It's supposed to get down to 35º outside, and it's hardly warmer in here."
It took the second boy a long moment to respond, as though he had not realized the question was directed at him, before he looked up with mild alarm, embarrassment.
"Oh, no, not a bit- I had on a jacket earlier today, but some prick nabbed it and decided it would look nicer drenched in piss water, and now it's hanging up before the fire in the teacher's lounge-" his eyes opened widely at the look of alarm on Leo's face, and he hurriedly continued by saying, "oh, but don't worry, I'm sure it'll be ready by the time school gets out and we head off to our dorms."
"That, um... Sounds like a bit of a bummer," responded Leo lamely, and, without knowing what better to do, returned to his book. In a few minutes, however, he sensed the discontentment rising between them, and was grateful when the other boy spoke.
"Hey- aren't you in the band? I was sure I saw you last Sunday, at the Winter Festival. I- I had entered a couple of pictures for display, you know, and decided to stay after to watch the show..."
"Orchestra, actually, but I was definitely there," responded Leo, perking up slightly at the mention of the concert, "I played the violin there. Er- do you draw?"
"Only sometimes," responded the boy, smiling faintly, "when I have time, and when I'm by myself. Like today," he continued, and passed over the sketchbook over which his fingers had been flicking and darting gracefully for the past half hour.
"It's not very good," he went on, more quietly, "but I suppose it's alright- of the window out there..."
Leo glanced down at the page, and gulped with astonishment. The picture was utterly beautiful, abstract, figments of the boy's imagination running their pace all over the scene, but none looking a bit out of place. It seemed to capture the essence of the rain perfectly.
"This is... Really, really good..." responded Leo, his eyes wide and his mouth dry, "I-wow. I'm not an artist in any way, but this is really just wonderful..." Leo hesitated a moment before passing the sketchbook back, and then asked, "just how old are you, anyway? I have several friends who draw, and none of them were able to do anything half so good, even when they were my age-"
The boy chuckled, taking the paper back.
"Wouldn't you like to know my name first?" he asked, smiling sardonically, and Leo felt himself blush at his own impoliteness.
"Of- of course," he responded, embarrassedly, "and mine's Leo, if you would care to know..."
"Well, hello Leo," replied the boy brightly, extending his hand, "I'm Erin, pleased to meet you, and I'm sixteen years of age."
For the second time that day, Leo felt his jaw drop. This shrimp was sixteen? Well-
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry-" he said hastily, "I feel like such an idiot, I thought you were at most thirteen, and... Oh, I'm so stupid..."
Erin laughed, and shrugged lightly, replacing his hand at his side.
"It's okay, I get that all the time, you're definitely not an idiot," he smiled a little timidly, biting the side of his lip, "and I actually think you're kind of cute."
Leo felt his blush intensify, and he looked away, back to his book, to the floor, to anything. Erin simply chuckled, and returned to his drawing. He'd flipped over the page, and started something new on the other side.
It was several long moments before Leo had calmed down enough to speak again.
"How come I've never seen you around here before?" he asked cautiously, his eyes flitting up for a moment.
"Hm..." Erin set down his sketchbook, and stared straight ahead, seeming lost in thought, "I really don't know, actually. I usually spend my lunch in the bathroom."
"The bathroom," repeated Leo, his voice dead-pan. He paused, and then, "why the hell would you ever go /there/? ...No offense, that is."
Again Erin laughed at his response, and shrugged, rolling his eyes at his own self.
"I honestly don't know. It used to be my place to go off and hide during classes, and I guess I just... got used to it."
Leo really had nothing in response to this, so he changed the subject.
"So what prompted you to come down here?" he asked, his eyes flashing and his head propped up by a hand whose elbow rested on his knee.
"Well... I guess I just got tired of the smell," responded Erin, laughing, "that, and I didn't have my jacket, and they don't keep it warm in there..."
Leo nodded, although his eyes showed concern.
"Why did you let that guy- do that- earlier, anyway?" he asked, hoping he wasn't intreating on untouchable ground in pursuing the subject.
Erin shrugged, staring blankly out the window.
"Didn't want to give him any trouble, I didn't. Didn't feel like having the snot kicked out of me today, either," and then he laughed bitterly, his gaze falling to the carpet, "not that I didn't get away with anything. The bruise on my cheek here is old, but here," and the boy pulled away his jeans to reveal a severely beaten lower leg, "and up here," Erin finished, exposing the soft skin on one side of his waist, which had begun to tinge purple.
"That's horrible," replied Leo, aghast, and wasn't surprised to see that Erin didn't seem to much care.
"It would seem a bit trifling to say that I'm used to it, but it's really the truth."
From a distance, the two boys could hear the resounding chime of a school bell, and Erin sighed, grudgingly putting his sketchbook aside.
"I really don't want to go back to class," he muttered discontentedly, dumping his things into a black backpack, "but I don't suppose I have much choice, do I?"
Leo looked at him in quiet sympathy for a moment, before responding timidly, "you could stay in here, if you wanted to. I T.A. next period- I really don't have anything to do, and it's such a big library, Donna won't notice..."
Erin sunk back onto the bench, a smile forming on his face.
"Would that really be okay?"
"I'm sure it would," replied Leo, smiling.
"Thanks..."